I am so excited to write this post and share that we are having a baby girl in October! If you follow me on Instagram, you may have already seen our exciting news!
While I don’t think he quite understands what is happening, I think that Teddy is excited to be a big brother. He has been going around saying, “sissy, sissy”. It’s so adorable!
Since we officially know it’s a girl, I’ve been buried deep in Pinterest, looking for baby girl nursery decor ideas. And, I’ll be sure to share some inspiration and nursery updates here and on Instagram!
I had a little bit of a hunch that it was going to be a girl, mainly because this pregnancy has been so different. When I was pregnant with Teddy, I had some morning sickness, but nothing compared to this pregnancy. And throw-in chasing around a very active toddler, it was a rough first trimester. Thankfully, things are much better now and I feel like I can finally start to enjoy this pregnancy.
TW: Miscarriage
If you follow along on Instagram, you know that I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks this past fall. In all honestly, I knew about miscarriages…how 1-in-4 women have them, and so on. But I just assumed that I would never have one. My pregnancy with Teddy was easy and had no complications, so naturally, every pregnancy I have will be like that, right? Wrong. How naive could I be?
The pregnancy was totally unexpected and I was honestly shocked. I was still actively nursing Teddy and felt a bit overwhelmed at the initial idea of having two under two. But after the initial shock and minor panic, I was so excited! The baby would be due on June 19…Father’s Day!
Upon finding out, I immediately drove to Target to buy Teddy a “Big Brother” t-shirt so I could surprise Aaron. I was able to totally surprise him and got the whole thing on camera…it was priceless. My mom’s birthday was a few days away and we were scheduled to have a family gathering, and I thought that would be the best time to tell everyone.
After a routine blood test at my OB, they called me to say that I needed to come back in for another blood test because my HCG numbers weren’t as high as they thought they should be, based on my last missed period. They assured me nothing was wrong, and that I’m probably just not as far along as I thought I was. I was a bit nervous but overall thought nothing of it.
After the second blood test, I waited for hours for my results to show up on my online health portal through my OB. I think I checked it multiple times an hour. Refresh, refresh, refresh.
Then at 5 pm on a Monday, while in the middle of cooking dinner, my phone rang. It was my OB telling me that my HGC numbers had dropped. She told me that I would most likely have a miscarriage in the upcoming days. My heart sank. I felt like I was silent drowning and no one was there to save me, or my baby.
Pregnancy After Loss
After the miscarriage, Aaron ensured me that we could just try again. While I of course wanted to have another baby, the thought of potentially going through another miscarriage let me anxious and worried. When we did found out we were pregnant again on Valentine’s Day, I was excited but refused to get my hopes up.
Every day for weeks I felt anxious and looked for any sign of a potential miscarriage. I ended up totally changing my OB to a new practice, but my first ultrasound appointment wasn’t until I was 10 weeks along, which felt like a lifetime.
But while I waited, the morning sickness started and hit me like a ton of bricks. I was at first so happy about the morning sickness because that signaled to me that my body was producing HGC. But then it just became so miserable and all I wanted to do was sleep all day.
Finally, the ten-week appointment came and I was able to have the ultrasound, see our sweet baby and hear a heartbeat. My anxiety was finally mostly at ease.
Hope After Loss
We are now at the 22-week mark and I can feel our sweet baby girl kicking up a storm. While I’m not nearly as anxious as I was in the beginning, I still feel those anxious “what if” feeling sneaking back in. I don’t have answers as to why miscarriages happen, especially to mothers who desperately want children. But what I do know is that God is sovereign in ALL things, even the things that I don’t and probably will never, understand.
Today, I am thankful for our baby girl and we eagerly await her arrival (though I have A LOT to do between now and then!). But, I’ll never forget the baby we lost, and though I carried him or her in my womb for a brief time, I mourn their loss and eagerly await the day when I can meet him or her in heaven.
